Advice on Looking for a Foreign Wife for Romance, Marriage
Things to be Careful About in Looking for a Foreign Wife
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If you decide to seek a wife by corresponding with foreign single women, there are a few caveats you should watch out for.
It is certainly true that the vast majority of women who respond to a man's advertisement or who list themselves with a penpal agency are truly looking for husbands (or just penpals if they're very young). However there are a few disreputable people out there who are in it for something else, usually money. You need to be on the lookout for people like this as you analyze the incoming letters.
What I mean by dishonesty
By dishonesty, I'm not referring to the occasional woman who misrepresents her age (although there are a few like that) or even the ones who withhold the fact that they have children (and there are quite a few who do that). What I'm referring to are those who are trying to get something more out of you than a wedding ring.
Some single women send pictures which are not their own to the penpal service. If a woman is eager to find a husband, but is not very attractive, one might understand her motivation, no matter how misguided it may be.
A woman who does any of the above things is certainly dishonest to one degree or another, but most of these women are sincere. They're sincere, at least, in the sense that they do actually want to find husbands. You need to screen the letters you get, and learn to ask the kinds of questions that will uncover any misrepresentations, but don't condemn these women for doing the best they know how.
The ones you really need to look out for are the women who are insincere as well as dishonest. These are the scam artists, who are looking for something other than a relationship, and the ones who have a hidden agenda. The scam artists will all try, sooner or later to hit you up for money. The women with hidden agendas may be interested in marriage, but they also will want more from you than a wedding ring in the bargain.
Many of the available women are both very young and very attractive. There's no reason to shy away from a woman who writes to you just because you think she is far better looking than anyone interested in you ought to be. On the other hand, the ones who are in the scam business will almost always send you photos that look exceptionally attractive. Frequently these are professionally taken photos of a woman who looks like a movie star or model.
If it looks too good to be true, it probably is.
Any time a woman who seems exceptional starts showing too much interest in you too fast, or coming on strong, be on the alert. More often than not, these are the scam artists. Don't ever assume that, just because a woman is good looking she is also honest. For one thing, you have no way of knowing whether or not that photo is really her or someone else. For that matter, you can't even be sure that the person on the other end is really a woman. It could be a man, posing as a woman to see what he can get out of suckers who send money.
On the other hand, don't ever assume that just because a woman doesn't look like an actress or model that she is honest. Con artists come in every kind of package.
But, don't assume she's dishonest just because she's beautiful.
If a woman sends you a photo that is exceptionally beautiful, but the tone of her letters seems to be honest and above board, don't assume she is dishonest. There's no reason to assume that, unless she starts asking for things. Instead, try to get her to send snapshots of herself in a variety of situations so that you can be sure that's really her and that is really what she looks like.
Most scams involve money
There are a lot of scams out there, but almost all of them involve you sending her money. Don't do it! Suppose you get a hot dialogue going with a woman who lives in a country where she can easily get a tourist visa to visit you. Then suppose she suggests that she would like to come, but the flight costs a thousand dollars. How about splitting the fare? So then you agree and send her $500.00 and that's the last you ever hear from her or your money. Don't be a sucker. Instead of sending money, agree to split the cost in a different way. Tell her to pay for the air fare and you will pick up her hotel and meal expenses while she's here. That way you won't risk losing your money if she doesn't show. It's also a good test of her sincerity. Remember, any time a woman asks you for money you should refuse, without exception. If she's so poor that she needs your help just to carry on the letter writing with you then she's also so poor that not only she but her entire extended family will probably become a constant source of financial drain... assuming you and her do wind up getting married.
Beware of the victim scam
Be careful of any woman who portrays herself as a victim of any kind. These are the ones to simply drop. Many scam artists will portray themselves as a victim to divert your suspicion from the scam. Whether or not she's really a victim isn't important. You don't need the burden of this kind of person, so get rid of them.
Avoid women who are too eager
Be suspicious if you're an ordinary guy and any woman who seems to be out of your league starts to come on strong. Most foreign women don't come on strong, particularly the ones who are serious about finding a husband. Also be suspicious of anyone who tries to get you to come to visit her country too soon, or who tells you that she would prefer to meet you face to face rather than write letters. I know of agencies engaged in promoting tourism in some locations who try to entice foreign men to visit their city by using exactly this scheme. Never agree to go and visit anyone until after you and she have carried on a lengthy and extensive correspondence.
Most con artists are very clever
Don't assume that, just because the person you are corresponding with never openly asks you for money (or any other kind of favor) that she's not a con artist. Some of the cleverest ones can find ways to get you to send them money without ever asking for it. Any time a woman tells you she can't afford to send you a photo, or anything else which relates to the norms of this kind or correspondence, you should drop her immediately. You don't need to burden yourself with anyone who's really that poor anyway. Don't feel sorry for a woman like that. She's looking for someone who will feel sorry for her. Even if she's not a crook, who wants to get hooked up with somebody who always wants you to feel sorry for them?
The other man scam
Beware of any woman who makes reference to some other man who is supposedly eager to send her money for a visit, but she really doesn't want to accept his money because she really prefers you. That other man probably doesn't exist and all she wants is you to send money to her. After you do, you'll probably never hear from her again.
Test her sincerity
The best way to test a woman's sincerity is to offer to go and visit her. If she reacts favorably to such an idea, and begins to help you in making plans for such a trip, she is probably sincere. Beware of any woman who begins backtracking upon hearing that you want to visit her. This is a good tip that she's not everything she claims to be. My advice is never have the woman visit you first. Always plan to go and see her first.
The currency collector scam
Beware of anyone who claims to be a collector of foreign currency. A person who enters into correspondence with several hundred men and gets each of them to send her a one, five, ten or twenty dollar bill could be raking in enough to make the enterprise very worthwhile. Let's see... twenty dollars multiplied by three hundred suckers... that's six thousand dollars. (More than ten times the average annual income in many countries.)
General precautions
Be suspicious of any woman who continuously hints about money or constantly dwells upon her poverty or how she can't achieve some goal she's after due to lack of funds. Also be suspicious of any woman who seems vague or evasive about her employment, home address or living arrangements. If she seems seriously interested in you, but doesn't seem to want you to meet her family when you visit her, she may be hiding something. Be sure you find out why she is behaving in this way. She could be afraid of being caught in a lie she's told you. If she's afraid her family won't approve of you, you had better discuss this with her thoroughly and determine what problems this might cause.
Some women get coaching
Also be suspicious of women who seem to know how to say all the right things. She may have gotten coaching, which means that the words aren't really hers. I've heard that, in the Philippines, there are some American expatriates who run ads in Manila newspapers soliciting girls to coach. Usually the deal involves coaching or actually writing the letters for them in exchange for their favors. Generally they are bar girls and prostitutes trying to find a way out of the life they're in by writing letters to American men. Remember, if something (or someone) seems too good to be true, it (or she) probably is.
If any woman tells you that she is very interested in you, but that she has financial obligations, just drop her. If you marry someone like that, her financial obligations will become yours. You don't need a relationship with anyone like that. In my original letter, I stated that I had no such obligations and I was looking only for women who also had none. You should do the same.
Don't pay a bride price
One final thing to beware of is a thing called a bride price. In many cultures, it is common for a man (or his family) to pay a sum of money to the family of the bride. This bride price is like a dowry in reverse. It is common in many parts of Asia where the old traditions are still followed. It's no longer practiced in China (since the communist revolution) but was common there up until then. The best way to handle this sort of thing is to tell all your correspondents early in your letter writing that this sort of thing is absolutely unacceptable to you. Tell them that you refuse to pay any kind of bride price or anything else in order to marry a woman. If this isn't acceptable to her or her family then look elsewhere.
You should also be aware that, in cultures where a bride price is (or once was) common, it is expected that the groom will pay all the wedding expenses. If this is not acceptable to you, you need to say so early.
Sometimes the scam involves the matchmaking service itself
To the best of my knowledge, all the services I recommend are honest ethical enterprises. They are in business to make a profit. They run advertising in foreign countries to find women interested in seeking American husbands. They invite such women to write to them describing themselves, the kind of man they would like to find and to enclose a photo. They do not charge these women anything for this. They sort through all the letters they receive and publish catalogs at regular intervals, generally every two or three months. Many also publish on the Internet. The way these companies make their money is by selling the addresses to interested men... like you. The going rate is $10.00 to $15.00 for one address. But that's not the way to buy addresses. All the good companies also offer tremendous volume discounts. With most of them you can buy a six month or one year subscription. This gets you all the names and addresses they publish for that period. When you buy the addresses this way, the cost drops to something under twenty cents a head. Companies that operate in this way are usually honest, ethical enterprises in the bride-by-mail penpal business.
In addition, there are a number of companies that offer different kinds of services. Some of these involve package trips to certain countries which include meals and accommodations while you are there. When you buy into one of these programs, the up front cost will, of course, be much higher. However there is nothing wrong with this, provided everything is honestly disclosed and you are given options to choose among.
Ultimately, if you find one or more women to go and visit, you will incur the expense of the trip. This will cost, depending on where you go and how long you are away, between three and six thousand dollars. If a service provider packages all this for you in a way that saves you money and eliminates a lot of the hassle, there's nothing wrong with buying into one of these programs and paying your money up front... if that's what you want to do.
However, any ethical company should operate in such a way that you can first correspond by mail with a fairly large number of different women, and do so at a reasonable price, and for several months prior to taking your trip. The thing to be wary of is any company which tries to talk you into taking a trip just to meet women, or which offers to one or more countries, ostensibly to parade interested women in front of you. There are quite a few companies that operate in this manner. I do not recommend any of them, nor do I recommend going anywhere just to look fo women as possible wives. The penpal bride method works well in matching people up precisely because of the lengthy letter writing process. Any method which does not involve lengthy correspondence is far less likely to result in a successful long-term marriage. If a company tries to tell you that there's no need to carry on lengthy correspondence and all you need to do is take their package tour to meet the woman of your dreams, run like hell! I've heard from a number of men who've been burned by this method. It's a sure-fire formula for disaster.
In addition, there are some companies out there whose marketing practices appear to be less than ethical. Be particularly wary of any singles ads that turn out to be a matchmaking service and not another individual. There are several of these out there, and some of them are using the Internet to snare unsuspecting men. Also be wary of any operation which requires you to "join their club" at considerable cost before you can contact the women they represent who are all exclusive members of their club.
This very eye-opening article contributed with permission by Gary Clark, author of, "Your Bride is in the Mail."
