What I do Not Want From Women in the Personals

What I do Not Want From Women in the Personals

What I do Not Want From a Woman

Here is a suggestion of what to use in a personal ad:

DEATH OR DISEASE: This is my number one no-no. Listen, I've never had sex with a gay man, a bi-sexual man, a transsexual man or any kind of man at all. I hardly ever go near Santa Monica Boulevard and, when I do the only place I ever stop is Barney's Beanery.

And, even then, I never eat quiche.

In other words, I'm straight. Also, I'm not a hemophiliac. I've never had a blood transfusion. I'm not a junkie and I never stick needles into my body. I'm not promiscuous. I don't mess around with prostitutes (I tried it years ago and it was boring), and I've never even been close to Africa or Haiti.

What this means, of course, is with any kind of luck at all (knock on wood) I do not have AIDS. Also, to my knowledge, I do not have any other type of dreadful communicable disease including syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes, hepatitis, or even the bubonic plague.

If you can't say the same, please, please do NOT respond to this ad.